It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"