I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truviaâ„¢ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
You know what they say? Words.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?