Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
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