How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
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