"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
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