How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Knock knock.
Come in.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
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