Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson