Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.