What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
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