You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

"My Dog"

My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.

His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.

He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.

I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!

– Steve Hanson

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

"I’m Going to Be Famous"

I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!

– Steve Hanson

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Him: Awww, of course!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape

Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.

- Patrick Winstanley

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.