When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.