What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Go to BabaMail
