My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
You know what they say? Words.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
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