There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
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