It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
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