Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
You know what they say? Words.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.