If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson