What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
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