It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.