There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
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