What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven