Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.