Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.