If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
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