Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.