I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
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