After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".