Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store