In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.