99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
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