It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
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