Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.