I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers