Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
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