We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.