The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.