I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
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