Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.