A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.