Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.