A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
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