Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
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