The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Go to BabaMail
