Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
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