My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Go to BabaMail
