There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
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