What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.