If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
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