Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.