It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".