Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."