What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
You know what they say? Words.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
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