My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Go to BabaMail
