Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."