When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.