If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.