Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
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