Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.