There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
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