My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)