If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
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