After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”