How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
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