It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."