Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
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