My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”