Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.