What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
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