Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.