I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.